to his family

I love you all. 

I’ve been thinking about what happens if any of you are curious enough to wander this way, and it scares me. Makes me sad, really. I’m sorry if this hurts you.

I’m sorry if this is too honest for you or too much or if you asked him why I left and he just told you I was crazy. You can keep believing that if it’s easier. The truth is, though, that I’m not, and you know that I’m not. I’m smarter than that. 

It took me a long time to come to terms with the openness and publicness of these words, and I waited to post primarily because I was afraid of what you’d all think. Think of me, think of him, think of all of it. I wonder what you saw through your own eyes and if you can’t understand what I’ve done. To be honest, there were days in the past when leaving would cross my mind, but I stayed because I loved you. I didn’t want to leave your network and safety and all the ways I’d come to respect your family. I hate to think of losing yours.

So today, from the most sincere depths of my heart, I’d also like to thank you all. 

Thank you for always being so warm. Thank you for welcoming me in when I was quiet and shy and probably not all that interesting as a soft-spoken teen. Thank you for making me grow to feel comfortable and for always making me laugh. Thank you for sharing your children with me. I miss them. Thank you for letting me keep my beliefs and opinions and respecting them.

Thank you for teaching me how to sit for hours at dinner and the beauty of conversation. Thank you for the depth and color of life found in wine and taking the time for happy hour on a weekday. Life should be lived well, every day of the week. 

Thank you for all the time and money poured into visiting us or flying me to visit with you. Thank you for investing in me and supporting a relationship where you saw love. 

Thank you for nights out at bars, nights in for games, lazy days at the pool and trips to the ocean. 

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for telling me I was smart and telling him I was smart. Thank you for trying to teach him how to be kind to me.

I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry if this confuses the kids. I’m sorry that I’m here sharing my story and bringing you to places you probably didn’t want to go. Don’t read it if you can’t. I know your love and loyalty is for him. Just know that I still think of you all often, and there is a hole in my heart where your absence is felt.

Someday I hope you can see that I needed to stop protecting him and start protecting someone else. I needed to help the girl who feels alone and can’t tell if what’s happening to her is worth tolerating, if it’s all nothing, or if those small confusing moments of disconnect and disrespect add up to something a little more serious. I need to try to protect her. My sisters. My friends. The me I used to be. I need to try to let other people know they aren’t alone, even when they’re left in a house by themselves wondering why they aren’t worth the love they thought they deserved. 

I’m sorry, and I’ll always be sorry. I hope you all are well.

Love, 

Me