I used to love August. The month I was born. The last month of summer. The first month of sports. Volleyball practice in the golden evening light, football whistles in the background. New pencils purchased, jewel toned sweaters, last lazy trips down the river. The first yellow leaves.
Good things ending, good things to follow.
I guess the same could be said of last year’s August, the first August I hated, where one season of my life ended and another began. Good from this point of view. Not so good then.
It was last summer when I cautiously Googled “how to get a divorce” for the first time and immediately cleared my browser.
Last August, a year ago to the day, I hired a lawyer. I asked, still unsure, “If I change my mind, can I back out?” A loophole to make myself feel better about a decision I’d already made. Signed and scanned the paperwork as soon as I hung up.
Then those plans that existed in cyber space began to grow more concrete. I found myself going out for finger prints, for notaries, calling nursing boards. Trying to endure small talk about why I was moving to Tennessee. Making it sound exciting- Nashville, totally great, right? Hiding the files when I got home.
And then he noticed the cards that I canceled. Moved to the guest room. Argued harder, then gave up altogether. We lived together in the tomb of our marriage for weeks, ignoring the bizarre reality of what we had become.
He left to visit his family.
I stayed behind to pack.
Have you ever had to sort through your life like that? Picked your home apart until it was nothing but a house?
With the eye of practicality: Well, I don’t think I’ll need a set of pots at my parent’s house. I guess he can keep those.
Or the eye of sentimentality: I think I’ll take the platters. They’re from my favorite aunts.
I took the china too. I’m not sure what that’ll look like, to take the set out again, but I know that it’s beautiful. I’d like to think I’m still a little bit lovely too, even with a bit of weird history. Me and the plates will just have to be a strange package deal.
Anyway. He got the regular plates. I took the mugs. The bakeware. Left him the grill things.
Less straightforward- taking the pictures down.
You have to look them all in the face. Like seeing yourself from another life- a laugh from a date, a hug from his mother, a night out with his sister- and telling them all goodbye.
Family pictures that included him. The pictures of our friends, the pictures of our wedding, pictures of his nieces.
The prints I bought for our brand-new home. The frames I got for our bedroom.
One by one you look them in the eye, tell them you can’t be staying, they can’t stay either, and pull them off the wall.
Now all is lost in a crowd of U-haul boxes. Picked over and sorted, piece by piece, and tucked between towels, tossed in his closet, or put in the pile for trash. Calligraphy peeps through the mess, mocking:
“Love begins at home.”
“God walks among the pots and pans.”
“You are my sunshine.”
He used to sing me that song.
Another took its place more recently, “Pictures;” I recommend a listen if you’re in the right mood. A little sadder, a little more fitting. I cried the first time I listened, grateful that someone else put into words this particular aspect of heartbreak. Such a concrete finality comes with matching the surroundings to this broken reality.
I chugged along steadily that week, filing through memories with every new box, sorting my heart into high school and college and prom and marriage and sex and romance and tears and laughter… As if it could all be taped up, put away, and marked this-side-up with a Sharpie.
I wish it was so simple. Instead, I am haunted.
He used to make me omelettes on this pan.
I bought him that mug for Christmas.
That was the night of my best friend’s wedding.
This was the cross from above our bed.
These were the towels I picked for our bathroom.
The painting of our shared last name.
The print from his mother.
All the parts of my house sorted into separate boxes.
All the parts of my heart broken into separate pieces.
I’m still trying to put it back together.