I’d like to tell you that incident was one of a kind.
Unfortunately, it started becoming more common. We would start down a road under the pretense he’d be okay getting pregnant, and end with him wanting to finish in places that weren’t exactly my cup of tea. He knew I didn’t care for it but asked anyway, which left me in a weird spot.
It can be a confusing place to stand when you feel torn between your faith/self-respect and your husband. I knew I could recover and God would still love me tomorrow, but I wasn’t so sure of my husband’s affection. I wish it would’ve been different.
Eventually I learned that it didn’t matter what boundary I had, he wanted to cross it. I think whether you’re a church girl like me or a girl who doesn’t mind doing a little of anything he’d have found a way to go where you didn’t want to go.
If you can’t tell by now, there was a pattern that just got worse as the years rolled by. He used to ask to finish in weird places when there was pregnancy on the table, but by the end it didn’t matter much what my cycle was doing. He just got bored with normal sex. Sometimes he had stopped being able to finish during sex at all. Regular sex wasn’t good enough, and regular me wasn’t good enough. Not interesting enough, sexy enough, thin enough, whatever.
And then he started trying to get me to do anal. Once in a while he would start trying and I’d have to turn around and remind him I didn’t want that there. Thinking all the while I’m pretty sure that wasn’t an accident, but we can brush it off like it was and move on.
One time was too much to brush off. I couldn’t just laugh and redirect- I actually had to say no, and say no more than once. Nothing about it felt good, and why I had to explain that no meant no to my husband felt even worse.
Also, I know he said he wasn’t watching porn, but the thing with him trying to choke me seemed a little weird. Especially when that started happening more often too.
Some of it just felt uncomfortable and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it- sometimes I just felt a little used but things hadn’t quite crossed a line so I didn’t know how to talk about it.
Was it porn? Was it someone else? Was it me? All I know is that it wasn’t good. He didn’t know no. He pushed back. He was disrespectful. He was a lot of things, and none of it was loving.