Pick your Player
I asked my therapist today (shout out, hey) if sex would be too much to talk about here. Verdict: this needs to be talked about. The times are behind us when it was okay to stay in the dark. Now, when a man (or anyone) does something shitty we can shine a light on it. We get to say we didn’t like that. We didn’t want that. We didn’t ask for that. I don’t care that other girls are doing it, all your friends are doing it, or porn or Chive or Barstool says its normal. I said no, and that meant no. And now I get to talk about it.
As a Catholic girl growing up in a Catholic world, I was raised in the purity culture. Yes, I went to the talks, signed the pledges and wore the ring (slight eye roll, I know). Thankfully, I grew out of the trendy purity bit and matured into an adult embracing chastity. In short, choosing chastity was choosing to love my partner and myself according to where I was in life. This meant when I was dating, sex was for marriage. For a little while I fell for the “we can do other stuff” line until I raised my standards and started avoiding the “I’ll take what I can get” bros.
Insert Nice Boy. I let him know right off the bat what my boundaries were. Sex was in marriage, “other stuff” not going to happen, and it wouldn’t be “I’ll take what I can get.” This would need to be a joint endeavor. This was something I believed in and I truly valued intimacy enough to save it for the man who could commit to me for always. Nice Boy might not have understood it or believed in it, but I expected support out of respect, at minimum, and love, at best. He agreed.
They say actions speak louder than words. They are correct.
Over and over we struggled with this. Obviously, we were attracted to each other and tended to be touchy-feely people anyway. We never had sex, but the “other stuff” still found its way in. Not for lack of trying to avoid on my part, but he had started enforcing a system that followed us into our marriage. We would start toeing the line. I would put the stops up and re-direct the situation. Either a) it didn’t work and I was left feeling guilty or b) he was moody. This taught me several things.
Option A. I couldn’t talk about the guilt or make suggestions on how to improve in the future. He wasn’t on the same page and wasn’t as invested. It stopped being worth it to talk about. I would swallow the shame, go to confession, muscle along quietly trying to choose what I believed in. Lesson: It wasn’t worth the discussion. I am alone here.
Option B. Moody Boy. Withdrawal of affection, a little or a lot of anger depending on the day. Conflict. Loneliness. Blamed for choosing God over my boyfriend (fiancé, husband). Lesson: Don’t do what he wants and you are isolated. It’s your fault you have so many rules.
Good luck making your pick!